I have been forced to focus on some self-care this past month. I have an auto-immune disease that rears its ugly head to remind me that in order to do what ever I possibly can for Miles, I have to be as healthy as I can be.
My husband and I took a few days to go to Hermosa Beach in California to de-stress and recharge a bit. 30 minutes away from our destination it was like someone turned on a water faucet! Tears were literally pouring out of my eyes! It was the strangest thing because at first I thought I was having an allergic reaction to something. Then I felt it…this horrible pain coming from deep within. “Oh my God! I am crying!!” I thought to myself. It dawned on me that it was the first time we had been to Hermosa without Miles!! We had a nice time and the weather was perfect and the healing energy from the ocean was amazing as always, but in the back of my mind, I couldn’t keep from remembering all the wonderful times we have had with Miles on that very beach and I couldn’t stop wondering if he will ever make that trip with us ever again.
Miles has now been in a residential treatment center in Salt Lake City for a year now. I feel like we are getting nowhere with therapy. I even had an independent doctor review all of his records just to get yet another opinion. I thought perhaps he might suggest a different type of treatment center that might be able to make more progress in helping Miles. I followed up on a couple of suggestions he made, but they were dead ends. One told me that they were not equipped to deal with his mental illness and the reactive attachment issues he has. The other I learned after a google search has had all kinds of media attention about kids being unsupervised, getting wrong medications, etc. His opinion overall was not encouraging at all. It left me feeling even more helpless as far as Miles and his future is concerned.
A few weeks ago we had a family therapy session via telephone and Miles brought up the possibility of a group home. This is something his therapist and I have already discussed but know that he is not even ready for that yet. The therapist told him that he would have to be able to make it 2 months without any of his behaviors that are holding him back and then she would start looking for a group home that might accept him. So far he hasn’t even made it a week toward that 2 month goal.
The reality of how severe his RAD is has really been hard to accept. The trauma he experienced long before he was ever placed in our home was obviously much more powerful than the loving, safe, secure home we provided. Love is not enough when it comes to RAD. His feelings toward us are ambivalent at best.
Losing Miles 