Miles was 16 months old when he came to live with us as a foster child. He was supposed to reunite with his birth mom within a year. That didn’t happen. Miles is now our adopted son and he is 13 years old. We can barely remember a time that he wasn’t a part of our family. Looking back, of course there were signs of what the future might bring. Every time we confided in anyone the things we were concerned about we came to the conclusion that maybe he was just a normal boy. Not entirely normal. There were some health problems and learning difficulties and speech problems early on. We just took one thing at a time and dealt with it the best we could. Miles was an adorable young child. For the most part he was easy going and a joy to be around. There were however some temper tantrums and destruction of toys. Early on there was also some food hoarding that seemed to get better but not entirely as it seemed he could not stand for others to eat without him eating even if he had just been fed. Miles also had a lot of food allergies and would sneak into the cabinets and refrigerator and eat large amounts of food that he had been denied because of his allergies. We also had a difficult time teaching Miles to learn consequences for his actions. The disruptions caused by Miles sneaking into our bedrooms, taking things that didn’t belong to him, attempting to set fires, cruelty to pets, refusal to cooperate with school work, lying ,and a lot of other things including refusing to bathe became totally overwhelming between age 7 and 9. By the time Miles was 11 he had been placed in acute mental health centers 5 times and once in a long term treatment center for being harmful to himself and others. That first stay in a long term treatment center was a 9 month experience. He was only home for 2 months before being admitted to acute care several times and now again in a long term treatment center where he has been for 9 months now. The fight to get him help has been an absolute nightmare.
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Losing Miles 
My hope for you is that Miles will get the help he needs and be able to start functioning in a way that is “normal” for a 13 year old. I’m sorry you feel like you have lost him…don’t give up! Perhaps things will get better.
Amy, thank you for reading my blog. I have not given up on Miles. Even though I could see the mental illness gradually taking over, every now and then I can see who he is without mental illness. Thank you for your encouraging words.
It can be difficult for others to fully understand what you are dealing with. Placing our son in care was the most difficult decision to ever make. While ultimately it was up to mom and I, we involved the whole immediate family and one very close aunt to participate in the discussion regarding placement.
We second guess every decision we make.
Was it right to lock all of the cupboards, the fridge, the freezer, all bedroom doors. To lock up knives, silverware. To not leave him alone with his siblings. Ever. To not leave him alone with the pets.
To let respite care off the hook because they were afraid he would kill them one night.
One day at a time. That is the best way to get through this. One day at a time.